just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
