i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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