who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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