i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
