All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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