He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Randomize
