I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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