Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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