It's a beautiful day for a hangover
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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