I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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