I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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