I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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