can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
