You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
