i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
