1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
