you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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