I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
