ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
