did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
