know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
