theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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