Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
