I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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