OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
