im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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