evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
