my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
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