Swine flu. Run for my life!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
