im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
