Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
