cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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