i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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