I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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