Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
