I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
As shirtless as possible
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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