I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
