I'm lost and stupid without you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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