You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
