apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
