It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
