just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
