Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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