i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
