____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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