Your face is a jimmy john
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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