just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
