Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
