I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
