omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
