I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
